Brandi Whyne Chapter 5

  Brandi Whyne…

  And Her Incredibly Erotic Adventures with

  Robin Manhood and His Totally Sexed-Out Space Pirates

  By Celine Chatillon

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  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  Brandi Whyne book 5

  Copyright ã 2007 Celine Chatillon

  Coverart by Martine Jardin

  All rights reserved. Except for use in any review, the reproduction or utilization of this work in whole or in part in any form by any electronic, mechanical or other means, now known or hereafter invented, is forbidden without the written permission of the publisher.

  Published by eXtasy Books 2006

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  www.extasybooks.com

  Chapter Five

  The Search for Brandi's Crack…

  Brandi’s note: To understand Dr. Kwak’s little faux pas and his affinity for rat poison as a treatment option, read Brandi Whyne and Her Incredibly Erotic Adventures: Chapter One—Captured by Space Pirates! While you’re at it, you’ll want to read chapters two through four, Lashed at the Mast, Bound for Adventure and Little John’s Very Big Problem in that order to know what all is happening here and why as well. For certain you’ll want to learn more about “Mr. Hedgehog” in Little John’s Very Big Problem. And you can read about my very first discipline session in Lashed at the Mast.

  Royalties from the sales of these great works of fiction go to SPCDSTSSP, the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Deaf Show Tune Singing Space Pirates. Please help rehabilitated time-traveling space pirates return home after serving lengthy sentences for singing poorly crafted space pirate show tunes. We thank you for your generosity.

  I want to dedicate this series to all the fantastic eXtasy Books authors, editors and publishers I met at the 2005 Romantic Times Convention in St. Louis. You really put some wild and creative ideas in my head… Man, did you ever!

  When last we spied our hapless heroine…

  "You’re just not getting it!” I threw up my hands in exasperation. “Smuggling adult toys is a small time operation in the big scheme of things. Inter-dimensional bandits—if this indeed who we’re dealing with—wouldn’t risk being discovered by manufacturing and slipping a bunch of faulty vibrators through the crack.”

  “What could be more devastating to our way of life than replacing our trusted sexual aids with inferior products?”

  I spun around to see who had made such a statement. My jaw dropped. “Dum Luk? How can you, as a man of science, say such an inane thing?”

  Robin slapped the small man on the back again and smiled. “Because ol’ Dum-Dum here understands what makes the universe go ‘round. Don’t you, buddy?”

  Dum Luk nodded, rubbing his sore shoulder. “Before these inter-dimensional bandits start their true invasion they first cause discontent and discord with the powers that be in this dimension.”

  “And what could be more disruptive than making sentient creatures angry and unsatisfied in the bedroom?” Tryor added, clapping his hands. “It’s a brilliant move on their part. They can’t be doing this all by themselves. It’s too big of an operation. They’ve got to have other go-betweens beside Daro.”

  “What about Bak Azzwards?” Dum Luk said. “He is our closest competitor. How goes the swishy-handed pirate’s business?”

  “Not as well as ours.” Robin tapped a finger to his lips. “He’s probably desperate enough to make an alliance with an alien of unknown origin in order to dump our business straight into the crapper.”

  I breathed a loud sigh. I felt totally frustrated that my voice hadn’t been heard and that my faultless reasoning hadn’t been recognized.

  “But couldn’t Bak have easily enough gotten a hold of some slipshod products made in this dimension and passed them along to Daro?” I asked. “Using an extra-dimensional manufacturer sounds rather expensive to me.”

  Tryor scratched his scraggly chin some more. “Hmm, you make a good point. What if he doesn’t realize where the stuff is coming from? And what if the bandits are giving him some deep discounts? After all, they’re in it for taking over our entire dimension. They could always write off a few poor business deals. Hell, they’ll be making all the rules once they take over… Can you imagine how complicated the new tax code will be? And we thought the old one was bad.”

  I shook my head sadly. They weren’t getting it. I was about to leave the laboratory when Willie pranced in.

  “News from communications ops.” We all stared at him. “You know, Zelda, Zelina and crew?” He paused upon the sight of our frowning expressions. “Why all the down faces? Something die?”

  “My reason,” I muttered. “Robin can explain it to you ‘cause I sure can’t.”

  “Has Zelda discovered who Daro’s supplier is?” Robin asked.

  “Well, no. But she’s discovered who isn’t Daro’s supplier.”

  “And who isn’t supplying Daro with shitty stuff?” Tryor asked.

  Willie’s brow furrowed. He looked decidedly uncomfortable. “It isn’t Bak Azzwards. Daro’s usual hangout isn’t anywhere near the sector Bak frequents. In fact, that’s the second bit of news I have to tell you guys.”

  Robin took a step forward. “Come on, out with it.”

  “Bak Azzwards has disappeared altogether. No one has heard a peep from the limp-wristed pervert since we parted ways on Proxima Centauri Five. It’s like he’s… he’s completely fallen off the map of the known universe.”

  My jaw dropped. I gawked at Willie in sheer amazement. “Like he’s slipped through a crack in the space-time continuum?”

  “Exactly. How did you know?” Willie’s eyes widened in amazement. “How did you know about the crack in space, Brandi?”

  I shrugged. “Wild guess really.”

  “Ready the Parsnip, Will,” Robin commanded. “But first send a communiqué to Zelda on the Scorpio and tell her to meet us at the usual rendezvous spot. Then inform the crew to prepare for an immediate launch.”

  Robin brusquely brushed past us, heading for the exit. “Dum Luk—you’re coming along for the ride this time, too. Tryor—help him get his gear together.”

  “Aye, aye, Captain.”

  Willie saluted Robin as well. “What’s our heading, sir?”

  “Brandi’s crack, of course.” He wiggled his dark eyebrows at me. “We’re going to find it and do a little a slipping and sliding into it ourselves.”

  Our story begins…

  Although I enjoyed my brief respite on Old Smokey, I admit to being a spacefarer at heart. I couldn’t wait to feel the flux and pull of artificial gravity—at least more artificial than the gravity generated by a rapidly spinning manufactured planet—and experience the thrills and excitement of reckless adventure among the stars.

  Also, it got me out of housecleaning.

  I should have realized that when a bachelor like Robin Manhood invites a woman to live in his flat, that he’d expect her to happily assume the role of live-in maid. Within days of our enjoyable “dinner party” with John Thomas and Peri Poundstone, Robin had started dropping hints that he wanted the slightly stained pillows in the conversation pit dry-cleaned and the sheets on the bed changed…

&nbs
p; I know. I shouldn’t complain. Robin Manhood is my soul mate, the one chosen by the Goddess of Fun, Fertility and Family Planning to be my lifelong partner and lover. But sometimes a girl, who was forced to clean sticky barstools and countertops for a living during a good portion of her twenty-two years, wants to escape the domestic drudgery scene from time to time.

  Correction—make that forever.

  So while I was ecstatic to be aboard the Pulsating Purple Parsnip once more there was one person of our crew who most decidedly was not… My fellow pilot and good friend, John Thomas Little.

  “Be careful, my Little John.” Peri sobbed, waving good-bye from the large glass doors of the domed city in the center of Old Smokey. John Thomas, once more quiet and withdrawn, blew a kiss good-bye to his love and quickly boarded the Parsnip.

  It was almost more than my heart could bear. I immediately went to search out Robin to do something about it.

  “Why can’t Peri accompany us on this mission?” I asked my captain-lover point blank. I’d found Robin busily preparing the ship for launch on the bridge. “We’re taking along Dum Luk this time. Couldn’t Peri come as well? She could assist him in the lab.”

  Robin frowned then promptly ignored me. “What’s the status on our laser cannon charging, Bigguns?”

  “We’re at seventy percent and still going,” the hunchbacked Cyclops replied. “The newest member of our weapons array is looking mighty good, too.”

  “Excellent.”

  Tired of my lover’s rudeness I stepped in front of him. He promptly picked me up and placed me atop the communications console, bruising my buttocks on several of the switches and levers.

  “Ow! What about it? Can Peri come along for the ride with us this time? I’m not going to shut up until you give me an answer.”

  Robin sighed. “You want an answer?”

  “Yes,” I said.

  “Then here’s your answer—no.”

  “No?”

  “Your ears seem to be working fine. What a comfort to know that fact, as Dr. Kwak isn’t much of an ‘eyes-ears-throat’ man. He’s more of an ‘ass-cock-suck-and-fuck’ man, you could say.”

  He laughed at his witticism. “Now, move those cute butt cheeks of yours off the com console and help prepare our ship for our rendezvous course with the Scorpio.”

  “What if I say I won’t?”

  I crossed my arms across my ample breasts, slowly crossing my legs as well. Robin’s eyes immediately gravitated toward the crotch area of my outfit, a short emerald-colored leather mini-skirt with a matching plunging neckline halter-top and crotch-less black lace panties. Peri and I had done a bit of clothes shopping during our reprieve on Old Smokey. I enjoyed my new look. Still, I wore my thigh-high black boots with stiletto heels while on board the Parsnip. After all what’s a space pirate without a pair of sexy black boots?

  “If you don’t plot our course I’ll have to discipline you for disobeying a direct order.” Robin began to breathe a bit heavier than normal. He slowly licked his lips. “I’m sorry to say we don’t have time for another ‘lashing at the mast’ no matter how enjoyable it is for all involved parties. So be a good girl and do as you’re told, Brandi.”

  “Where’s John Thomas?” I quizzed him. “It seems odd he isn’t here on the bridge when we’re about to get ready to take off.”

  A puzzled expression crossed my lover’s darkly handsome countenance. “Will, where the hell is Little John?”

  Willie turned from the life support console and shrugged. “He said he was feeling poorly and went to his quarters to rest.”

  If looks could kill, John Thomas would have been six feet under from the look Robin gave me. “Does he have the doctor’s permission to be relieved of duty?”

  “I believe he does,” Willie admitted. “Dr. Kwak is a hopeless romantic after all. Without his new girlfriend, our skilled navigator is one big, useless hunk of flesh.”

  I smiled. “See? Without Peri on board, you’ll get little work out of John Thomas.”

  “It’s insane! We don’t need a publicist on this mission.” Robin threw up his hands and let loose with a frustrated sigh. “Fine. Go and tell the wench to report for duty. We’ll put her to work with Madarda in the kitchen. As I recall, she knew which fork to eat her salad with at our little ‘dinner party’—among other things.”

  “Aye, aye, Captain,” I said, saluting. “But can you first help me get down from here? I’m afraid I’ll catch my crotch-less panties on something and rip them completely in half if I jump.”

  * * * *

  With an elated Peri safely ensconced onboard and John Thomas humming away at the navigation console, we were soon on our way to our rendezvous with the Scorpio.

  “Science lab to crew,” Tryor Fuq’s burly voice announced through the com system several hours later as I sat at my position on the bridge. “This is just a little heads up on what may or may not happen in the immediate future… Dum Luk, Kwak, and I are running a few experiments that involve inter-dimensional manipulation of matter. If anyone should experience any light-headedness, dizziness, nausea or severe stomach cramps let us know and—”

  There came a pause and then some animated murmuring in the background. “Oh, I see. Yes, yes, I’ll tell them,” Tryor said to whomever he was conversing with. “No, I won’t make it sound too horrifying. I promise.” He cleared his throat and began again. “Attention crew, don’t let us know about the light-headedness, dizziness, nausea or severe stomach cramps. We don’t have anything to do with it—honestly. It’s all Madarda’s fault for not refrigerating the slime eel soufflé properly. But in case you happen to notice parts of your anatomy disassociating themselves from your body, please let us know about that. Thanks.”

  I opened my mouth to speak, but I found it difficult so great was my shock. “Parts of our anatomies ‘disassociating’ from our bodies?” I finally squeaked. “What in the universe does he mean by that ridiculous statement?”

  “It’s not an unheard-of phenomenon,” Willie said. He kicked back in his seat at life support and put his feet up on the console. “Remember that crew that got all turned inside out, Robin?”

  My lover narrowed his gaze and twirled the ends of his moustache thoughtfully. “Ah, yes. I believe I do recall that strange occurrence. Did they ever prove it happened because of inter-dimensional manipulation of matter? Or did the horrendous event occur because of some really bad food poisoning?”

  “Good question. Let me look up the incident in the library bank.”

  Willie inputted the particulars into the computer system and frowned. “It doesn’t specify. All the entry says in regards to the episode is ‘cause unknown’. Not very reassuring, is it?”

  “Is Dr. Kwak and his staff able to do anything if our parts decide to ‘disassociate’ from the remainder of us?” I asked. I can’t say I was all that optimistic, but perhaps Kwak had encountered similar bizarre space illnesses in the past.

  Robin rolled his eyes. “I suppose rat poison would be a cure-all for something that outlandish.”

  I shuddered, clutching my heirloom silver locket resting between my breasts. If only my mother and father were still alive! They were both brilliant research scientists and test pilots… They would have been able to solve the mystery of the flame gems and sex toys from another dimension with little problem. Plus, I was certain they would have been able to discover the cure for the seemingly hideous side effects of inter-dimensional space travel.

  A worried hush descended over the bridge crew for the remainder of our shift. Fortunately, no body parts decided to go walkabout from their respective owners. At shift’s end we all retired to our cabins for some much needed rest.

  “You want to soak in the hot tub?” Robin suggested as he joined me in our purple colored, lavender-scented quarters. “It might be just what you need to relax after Tryor’s disturbing announcement today.”

  I smiled. “Only if you soak with me. I want somebody nearby to catch my bits when I come fly
ing apart.”

  His throaty chuckle sent shivers up my spine. “Same here.”

  We undressed and quickly settled into the silken, floral-scented waters. After a pleasant romantic interlude, we both drifted off into a light slumber. Wrapped in violet-tinted bubbles and my lover’s arms I felt safe and secure.

  Which only made what happen next all the more disturbing.

  “Brandi?” Robin drowsily opened one eye. “Did you happen to shift positions?”

  I yawned. “No, I didn’t. Why do you ask?”

  “No real reason, other than I believe your ass crack is staring me in the face while your top half is still resting against my chest.”

  Instantly awake, I clutched Robin’s slippery shoulders and held on for dear life. “Oh, in the name of the goddess… What the hell is happening to me?”

  True enough, the lower half of my anatomy pranced about the hot tub as if she had a mind of her own. I fumed at the strutting, bending, posing and wiggling of my fleshy buttocks in front of Robin’s entranced stare. What cheek! My disembodied body parts really began to irritate my better sense. Turning around with Robin’s help, I yelled at my lower self.

  “Stop all that foolishness at once and reattach your flabby self to your smarter, firmer half!” My bottom disregarded my commands and continued frolicking through the bubbles.

  Robin laughed. “Don’t be such a prude! It’s obvious what your round buns are looking for… They want a little action of their own.”

  I frowned. “Well, they’re not getting any. They’re a part of a team. The whole team has to agree to any ‘actions’ we attempt.”

  Like an indignant child, my backside squatted low and mooned me.

  “How dare you!” I cried, raising my hand to spank my naughty backside. “Why, you are in great need of some disciplining.”